When the craziness of addiction is finally behind you, there is often a roller coaster of emotions you have to go through that can be uncomfortable and even overwhelming. You’ve gone through hell and back, and now you’re giving it your all to piece things back together. You are ready to reclaim your life, to move on from that past.
Problem is, there are people whose lives you affected who may not be quite as ready as you are.
All the people you’ve had relationships with—whether it’s family or friends, romantic or professional relationships—may not be ready to forgive, trust, or even move on. Some of those relationships may be strained; others might be destroyed entirely.
You may not find the support you hoped for when you decided to change. You might instead be facing resistance and resentment. This can be disappointing, to say the least!
What to Expect from Others When Recovering from Addiction
Sometimes when a person has made a huge step towards a healthier lifestyle, they assume the people around them will be excited and encouraging as well, and when that doesn’t happen, it feels pretty deflating. But the reality is that it makes sense for them to be less positive than you are; they don’t live inside your head and don’t know how much change or commitment is really going on in there.
And you can’t rebuild something before cleaning up the broken pieces that you once left lying around.
Having reasonable expectations can help ease the disappointment. It is realistic for people to be skeptical of your intentions or your ability to follow through with them. After all, if you’re like most people who have gone through addiction, you’ve probably tried to get clean and sober more than once.
You may have a real plan this time and may be well on the way to success, but it’s quite reasonable for others to have doubts.
The people in your life may also have little to no trust in you. Another common feature of addiction, of course, is plenty of lying and covering up. You may even have taken advantage of the people close to you while in the grip of addiction; that’s yet another reason for people to feel burned and reluctant, understandably.
None of this is meant to shame you or cut you down—if you are doing the work to get out of addiction, you are undoubtedly a fighter and a hero. It simply needs to be understood so that you can come to terms with how others are treating you—even though you’re now treating yourself better than ever before.
It can be painful and frustrating to have different emotional timetables from the people around you. You’ll need patience and, of course, hard work to make it through.
How Do You Repair the Relationships You Damaged During Your Addiction?
When trying to heal those broken relationships, consider what past behaviors you might need to take responsibility for. Addressing them directly and offering sincere and thought-out apologies where needed, communicates a real intent to repair the mistakes you’ve made. Pretending nothing has happened leaves those you’ve hurt worried that those behaviors will just happen again.
Allow the people you’ve hurt to share their pain and express their doubts. Again, these are reasonable reactions for them. If these are conversations you’re not ready to have, it may be too soon to repair the relationship.
Codependent relationships are common when one or both partners are struggling with addiction. Such relationships are characterized by weak boundaries, low self-esteem, and fear of abandonment, all of which lead partners to behave in self-defeating and self-harming ways. Making a change here too is critical; seeing a couples counselor can be a critical step in the right direction. (Of course, individual therapy can be an important opportunity to navigate this life change as well.)
Building New Relationships in Recovery
If you’re serious about straightening your life out, you may need to make the difficult decision to leave behind people who might pull you back into your old habits. This is not easy, but if you don’t put enough distance between you and your old lifestyle, you are likely to find yourself back there soon enough.
With Others
Choose positive people to develop new relationships with. If you’re committed to a clean and sober lifestyle, find people who share that commitment. Also, seek out people who have positive things in common with you. Were there interests or hobbies in the past that substance abuse robbed you of? Are there new interests? Find people with similar passions to engage with.
You may not feel comfortable sharing your past experiences regarding substance abuse with every new person you meet. You might prefer to keep that aspect of your history private, at least in the beginning, and attend weekly support groups (e.g., Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, etc.) where you can focus on that part of yourself, and maintain support and inspiration. There is nothing wrong with compartmentalizing your life in this way; people have different friends and groups for different needs.
Also, please don’t put yourself in the position of saving others when you’re still new to the challenges of sobriety. When your sobriety is firmly established, that may be a role you can adopt. Early in the process, it may be too big a risk for you to take on.
With Yourself
Lastly, don’t forget to build a new relationship with yourself. Addiction often causes a very all-or-nothing pattern of behavior. It’s okay to be somewhere in the middle, rather than terribly depressed/discouraged or super happy and optimistic. The world has a lot of shades of gray!
Start to get to know yourself and take note of your feelings. Journaling can be a great way to start recognizing the wide range of emotions that come with making this huge change.
Recovery does get easier with time. Be your own cheerleader! Remain patient with yourself as much as you would with anyone else, and cut out the constant self-criticism. Be a good friend to yourself—like we said earlier, if you’ve made it this far, you are absolutely a hero.
The people you’ve hurt may not be ready to recognize it—but you certainly can!
