Well, you never thought you’d be in this position.
You’re married – maybe for quite some years already (or decades?) – and it’s a decent marriage. It’s got ups and downs like anyone else. But somehow something has always been a little bit lacking.
It’s not that you don’t love your spouse, but… with this other person, it just feels different. There’s a connection there you never quite felt with your husband/wife. It’s exciting. It’s deep. And you feel… alive. What’s going on?
And now it kind of feels like you found it – in someone else.
Can you be in love with two people at the same time?
Love and Human Nature
Let’s be real about human nature: we are built to connect. Humans are social animals – we thrive in groups, not in solitary lifestyles. Interpersonal bonding is critical for our survival – human babies don’t fare too well if their parents don’t stick around to love and nurture them. They need a set of parents bonded to them and bonded to each other. And evolution has ensured that they get it.
In other words, we are wired to fall in love.
Of course, love is not just a biological necessity. Relationships are what make the world go round. Most people do what they do because of the people in their lives – their husbands and wives, their children, their friends. Few are the people who go to work every day just to amass money for themselves and nobody else.
People need people – multiple people. It’s just how we are.
Can You Love Two People at the Same Time?
What this all means is that it is absolutely possible to be in love with two people. You’re not crazy. You’re not weird. You’re human.
Now, of course, this doesn’t mean you can go ahead and carry on two relationships at once. (We are assuming here you are not in an open marriage; if you are, you probably already have a good answer to the question here.)
People in happy marriages aren’t immune to falling in love with other people either. Being married doesn’t mean you don’t find anyone else attractive – physically or emotionally. It just means that when you find yourself feeling that way, you make a decision to turn away and back towards your spouse.
It is commitment that makes a happy marriage, not warm and fuzzy feelings. (Anyone who has been married for a good stretch of time will tell you that it’s certainly not always warm and fuzzy!)
The upshot of all this is that falling in love with someone else while married is not a sign your marriage is over. (If you hate your spouse and love someone else, that of course is another matter…) But it is a sign that you need to make some kind of choice.
What Do You Do Now?
There are a number of pathways ahead, and I’m sure you’ve already considered some of them.
You could have an affair.
You are probably aware that this is a pretty common choice out there. There’s no way to know how much cheating is happening that is never caught; but I can tell you that in the cases where it is discovered, it tends to blow up everyone’s life. It’s not pretty.
More importantly, though, it’s probably not in line with your own values to cheat on your spouse and lie to people you care about. Odds are you will not feel too good about yourself if you go this route. (Note that even purely emotional affairs are dangerous; not only does that kind of involvement itself often feel just as painful to the betrayed party, it can easily lead to crossing other lines.)
You can get divorced and get together with another person.
If divorce seems like an easy and obvious choice for you, then probably the dilemma here is not that you also love your spouse but that there are practical barriers to making it happen (kids, finances, image, etc.). If you are truly in love with your spouse, then leaving them shouldn’t feel like a no-brainer.
Even if you do love both people but are feeling more drawn to the one you are not currently married to, recognize that you are setting yourself for the same problem down the road. If you make life decisions based on a present emotional reality, you may be in for a hard awakening when those emotions change over time (as all emotions do).
After all, what happens if a third guy/gal were to come along?
As we noted above, your marriage will succeed or fail based on your commitment to it, not on how you feel about it today (or this week or month).
You could ask for an open marriage.
A growing number of people are considering open marriage as a lifestyle of choice. The advantages and disadvantages of this approach are beyond the scope of this post; be aware, though, that seeking an open marriage in the wake of an extramarital interest tends to go poorly.
It’s one thing to say, “hey, I wonder if we would enjoy trying out this idea;” it’s another thing to say, “hey, I’m already kind of trying out this idea before I asked you…” Asking for a change in the rules after you’ve already bent or broken them is usually not well-received by the one being asked after the fact.
You can recommit to your marriage.
If you love, care about, and respect the person you are married to, I believe that this path is the most likely to lead you to happiness. Yes, the marriage might not be perfect. Yes, it will be hard to turn away from the other love in your life. All choices in life mean cutting off other options. Someone who keeps all options open all the time never moves forward and deepens their experience in life. At some point, you have to choose a major, a profession, a company, and put your all into it if you want to see results.
Sure, if something doesn’t work out, you can always change jobs or careers. But if you try to be an accountant at the same time as you try to become a competent surgeon, odds are you won’t be very successful (or happy) in either track.
Feelings of love will come and go. They are something you can cultivate and develop in your marriage, but it is unwise to establish them as the foundation for the marriage. Sometimes in life you just don’t feel it. But when you commit to investing yourself in the marriage, you can build something stronger and deeper than the passing feelings that ebb and flow.
Choosing Happiness
So, can you be in love with two people at the same time? Yes. Does that mean you need to rearrange your marital situation? No. Happiness is possible – and, I would say, actually more probable – if you pick one person and disengage from another.
At the end of the day, you will make the decision that fits best for you. No judgment here, honestly – as therapists and coaches we’re not here to tell you what’s right and wrong; we’re here to help you get the life you want. And if you’re a bit confused about that, or need an objective outsider to help you think it through – hey, you know where to find us!
