Couples who are in a relationship (or thinking of entering into one) where there is a significant age gap often want to know how big an age difference is acceptable or “normal.”
In this post, we’ll try to answer some common questions about age-gap relationships – is there a norm? What is it? And what does that mean for you?
The Stats on Age-Gap Relationships
Statistics can tell you what is most common out there as far as age gaps in married couples – in the US, at least, the distribution is pretty much what most people expect.
The biggest chunk of heterosexual couples (just over a third) are within 1-2 years of each other, and couples where the woman is older are far less common than couples where the man is older. Couples where there is an age difference of 15 years or more are a mere 3% of the population.
But numbers don’t necessarily tell the whole story or even a particularly useful one. Note that even if relationships where the age gap is 15 years or more makeup only 3% of marriages, that’s still about two million couples! So even if you’re in the minority, you’re far from alone.
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Age Differences: What’s Normal?
“Normal” is a funny word. First of all, it depends on where you live. In the US there are certain social norms governing what age partner you’re “supposed” to have. For example, as the statistics above demonstrate, it’s much more acceptable in this culture for women to date older than younger.
In other cultures, it’s certainly not that way – in some places, marrying an older woman is seen as less unusual than it is in the West; in others, it’s not just unusual but entirely unacceptable!
On the other hand, many traditional cultures (including, to be fair, some minority cultures within the US) normalize older men marrying women even in their young teens, which doesn’t accord with Western norms or, in many cases, Western laws.
(Let’s be clear here that the exploitation of children is a bad thing. In our society, at least, we do not consider people to be adults until age 18. Child marriage is generally considered to be exploitative and harmful. And while there are gray areas when it comes to teens dating teens, there should be no ambiguity that a minor should not be dating someone significantly older than themselves. That is not just a question of “normal”; that is child abuse.)
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The Older Man-Younger Woman Trend
Why is the norm across much of the globe that men are generally older than their female partners?
Perhaps this is a reflection of the notion that women mature faster than men, and so when women date older men, they are simply seeking out their maturational equals.
Or maybe it’s an expression of the patriarchal norms of most societies, in which men are expected to be breadwinners, protectors, and heads of the household, and thus, a more advanced age aligns with those status markers.
I’m not weighing in on whether this is good or bad, correct or incorrect; I’m just noting that society has such views, which may impact the age differentials people see as normal.
Another possibility is based on evolutionary biology: since men are fertile for longer than women, they are able to continue partnering with younger women as they age. Thus, the norm may be a part of our inherited history from eons back.
Understanding the Criticism
Whatever the reason, you can be sure that a couple where the woman is older than the man by even a few years tends to start raising eyebrows and inviting cynical remarks.
Again, don’t let common assumptions dissuade you if this is your situation. As the chart above indicates, there are still millions of heterosexual couples where the woman is older, sometimes significantly so, than her partner, or where the man is older by 20 years or more!
Of course, people tend to cast looks and make comments if a middle-aged man is dating a woman in her twenties, too. The reason for that is because people believe – perhaps correctly, perhaps not – that people of vastly different ages have little in common or because they assume that the older partner is just looking for sex or the younger partner is just looking for money.
Or it might simply be one of those norms that people are used to and feel uncomfortable when they see it being violated, whether or not there’s any reason behind it.
Age Gaps at Different Ages
Another factor that impacts the significance of an age difference is the objective age of the partners. The largest age gap I ever saw in a couple I worked with was 21 years – but when you’re 70 and 91, that makes a lot less of a difference!
After all, the difference in mindset, life stage, and maturity between someone who’s 75 and someone who’s 85 isn’t all that significant, but when you’re 20, 10 years is half your life!
Indeed, a ten-year age gap is not unreasonable if the couple is 33 and 43; if they’re 83 and 93, it’s basically trivial. But if they’re 23 and 13 – that is unequivocally a problem (as noted above).
The Rule of Seven
One guideline put forth by relationship experts and laymen alike is the “rule of seven,” which says that you shouldn’t date anyone younger than half your age plus seven or older than your age minus seven times two.
Thus, for example, if you’re 30 years old, then half your age plus 7 is 22 (30 ÷ 2 + 7 = 22), so you “shouldn’t” date anyone younger than that. And you also “shouldn’t” date anyone older than 46, which would be double your age minus 7 (30 – 7 × 2 = 46).
Is this a reasonable standard?
Well, it’s a nice idea. But I’m not sure it helps all that much. If you are in love with someone who’s within this magical range, is everything hunky-dory, and the age difference won’t cause any issues? But another year older or younger, and now the relationship isn’t viable?
Life tends not to be that cut-and-dried.
Yes, the larger the age gap, the more reason there is to question the viability and reasonableness of a particular relationship. Dating someone 20 years older than you is unusual and comes with a set of challenges to pay attention to (more on this in the next post).
Dating someone 40 years older than you is very unusual and even more challenging. I would suggest that if there are multiple decades separating you and your (potential) partner, you need to put a lot of thought into why this relationship makes sense for you before proceeding.
Does that mean it’s a no-go? Not necessarily. But the greater the age difference, and the younger the people involved, the more you need to consider whether the relationship is viable.
So What Do You Do?
So, what’s a normal age gap in a relationship? There’s really no one answer for this; some self-awareness is in order here.
- What are the expectations of your community?
- What is your partner’s motivation?
- What are your own expectations and motivations?
Ultimately, you will have to decide what you are okay for yourself. Nobody can determine that for you. As with many relationship questions, what’s normal is less relevant than what’s acceptable to both partners.
If you’re with a partner or thinking of getting into a relationship with one who is noticeably older or younger than yourself, what makes sense to you is the most important criterion.
If this relationship is genuine and you can articulate reasons why it works for you, and if you are both on the same page about it, then your relationship is as good as any other relationship, age difference or no.
But if you’re just going with your gut (or lower down), it makes sense to stop and think through your motivations, as well as the challenges coming your way and whether you can or want to deal with them. (It can be super helpful to talk this out with an unbiased third party like a coach or therapist. Your mom may not be the most objective person on this question.)
But even if you’re in it for the right reasons (and you’re sure your partner is, too), you need to be prepared to face the challenges unique to age-gap relationships. We’ll tackle those issues in the next post.