Technically called the Gottman method for healthy relationships, this system represents the culmination of John Gottman’s life work and a partnership with his wife, Julie Gottman.

Gottman’s Early Work

Over the course of his academic career, Gottman became interested in relationships, marriage, and divorce. In 1986, Gottman opened what was dubbed the ‘love lab’ to investigate the science of relationships. Some of the remarkable research conducted in this lab includes a longitudinal study that could predict the likelihood of divorce with over 90% accuracy using the tools Gottman and others had developed, like the ratio of positive to negative SPAFF codes, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling), physiology, the rating dial, and an interview they devised called the Oral History Interview.

As you can imagine, the results of these studies and their highly accurate predictions became incredibly well known, but Gottman was not finished. In 1996, John and his wife Julie Gottman founded the Gottman Institute to help train clinicians in their methods and help people have healthy relationships. 

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Gottman came up with a simple analogy to better describe the negative communication styles that, according to his research, can predict the end of a relationship, called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, referring to the four behaviors that are most destructive to a relationship.

• Criticism. The Gottman method for healthy relationships views criticism as an attack on your partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviors. Unlike a complaint, which focuses on particular issues, criticism is an ad hominem attack that undermines your partner’s entire being. For example, saying, “I was worried when you were late and didn’t call. I thought we agreed to notify each other,” targets a specific behavior. In contrast, criticism would be, “You never care about how your actions affect others. You’re selfish and always think of yourself.” Persistent criticism can lead to feelings of rejection and hurt, creating a pattern that intensifies over time and opens the door to more damaging relational issues.
• Contempt.  The second horseman looks at how the use of sarcasm, mocking, name calling, and aspects of body language like eye rolling undermine any relationship. Contempt goes beyond criticism because the contemptuous person assumes moral superiority, making the other person feel less-than. An example could be belittling a partner for resting after work by accusing them of being lazy and pathetic–in doing so; you are directly attacking their personality. Contempt is highly damaging, and Gottman even found that contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness and is the strongest predictor of divorce. It stems from long-standing negative thoughts and must be addressed and eliminated for a relationship to survive.
• Defensiveness. Defensiveness is when you make excuses or play the victim instead of taking responsibility. For example, if asked why you didn’t do something, you might say, “I was too busy. Why didn’t you do it?” This response shifts the blame and dismisses your partner’s concerns. Instead, a better approach is to admit your mistake and show understanding. Defensiveness usually makes conflicts worse, as it prevents healthy communication and keeps problems unresolved.
• Stonewalling. Stonewalling happens when someone withdraws from a conversation, stops responding, and avoids dealing with issues, often as a reaction to feeling overwhelmed by negativity. This can include behaviors like tuning out, acting busy, or distracting themselves. While it might feel like an escape, stonewalling usually becomes a harmful habit that’s hard to break. If you catch yourself stonewalling, pause the discussion and ask for a break to calm down. Spend 20 minutes doing something soothing, like taking a walk, and then return to the conversation when you’re ready to engage constructively.

The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work

The Gottman method for healthy relationships is comprised of seven key principles: 

1. Building Love Maps. Gottman’s research has repeatedly posited the idea that couples must come from a place of understanding and that being emotionally educated about their partner’s world is the best way to build a basis of understanding.  The easiest way to do this in an organized format is by using one of the many exercises like love map questionnaires that both you and your partner can complete with or without a therapist. Activities like this with well-designed questions prompt a far better understanding of your partner’s world. 
2. Share Fondness and Admiration. A key factor Gottman identified that results in divorce or contributes to negative feelings in relationships is a simple lack of respect. The act of sharing fondness and admiration can counteract this by reinforcing positive feelings and mutual appreciation. Regularly expressing gratitude, admiration, and respect for your partner helps build a strong emotional connection and fosters a positive atmosphere. Small gestures like compliments or kind words can go a long way in maintaining respect and deepening the bond between partners, ultimately supporting a healthier, more resilient relationship.
3. Fostering Positive Interactions. A lot of life is how you look at it. The act of fostering a positive perspective and seeing the best in each other is emphasized in the Gottman Method. This principle encourages couples to see the best in each other and engage in positive interactions that strengthen their bond.
4. Turning Towards Each Other Instead of Away. Perhaps the easiest way to improve any relationship is to use what Gottman calls “bids” for attention. These bids for emotional connection can be small things like asking a partner, “What have you been up to?” or “How do I look?” These simple questions prompt your partner to turn their attention toward you instead of away. 
5. Learning to Manage Conflict. Arguments where someone feels like they must win are not good for marriages. Gottman promotes methods for managing conflicts that teach you how to let go of the need to always be right or to “win” in a relationship. But in a relationship, if one partner is “winning,” then both are actually losing. That’s why it’s so important to learn to accept your partner’s influence and work together.
6. Making Life Dreams Come True. One of the most beautiful things about companionship is having someone who will encourage you and help you achieve your goals and dreams in life. This can look like supporting your partner in going back to school to get an additional qualification or encouraging them to take up a hobby they have always wanted to try.
7. Creating Shared Meaning. Every couple knows at least some of what their shared interests are… and which interests aren’t. The very act of partnering with someone is creating a commonality. Gottman studied the strength of rituals and found that even simple things like spending time with your partner at the end of the day or going out for coffee stimulate connection. 

Conclusion

The Gottman method for healthy relationships is a popular and well-researched approach to couples counseling (though it’s not the only one). It’s taught widely in professional programs, from traditional marriage and family therapy degrees to programs offering an online Masters in Mental Health Counseling. 

This overview just touches on some of the basics and provides some ideas to consider for improving your relationship. If you’re looking for more help with your relationship, feel free to contact us today for more ideas and support.