And you thought sibling rivalry was bad when they were kids.
Here you are with your kids all grown up, and actually, it’s worse. They don’t get along. They won’t come visit your house at the same time. Perhaps your adult children aren’t even on speaking terms. What can you do about family conflict between adult siblings?
The idea of grown children fighting or family not talking to each other is one of the most painful situations parents can face as the kids move into adulthood. And unfortunately, given that your children are now adults, they have a lot more autonomy and you have a lot less control. So in this post we’ll talk about what you can do when grown siblings don’t get along – and what you can’t.
Where Does Adult Sibling Rivalry Come From?
As kids, brothers get into fistfights, sisters get mean and catty with each other, and this all is usually accepted as normal, if exhausting. He hit me first, she took my shoes without permission – the causes of a fight often seem pretty apparent.
Of course, even in childhood there tends to be a lot of complexity hidden under the surface – jealousy about a sibling who is better-looking, smarter, more sociable; jockeying for parental favor and attention; plain old disliking each other.
One hopes that these issues get resolved, or at least fade in importance, as children mature. But it’s not always the case. And as time goes on, more events, more slights, more insults can accumulate and weigh down the relationship between them. Adult sibling relationships only get more complex with time.
But it should be noted that trying to pin down what causes sibling rivalry in adulthood – at least as far as your personal situation goes – is unlikely to help that much. Because however invested you might be in these family relationships, you are now on the outside of them.
So while the causes of adult sibling rivalry are as varied as number of individuals on this planet, your focus ought to be on how to handle it rather than what the root cause is.
“My Grown Daughters Hate Each Other”
Siblings not getting along as adults can cause a lot of drama in the family – and it can feel personal. After all, these are your flesh and blood!
But the first rule of dealing with sibling rivalry in adulthood is to stay out of it. We are talking about adult siblings here. As adults, they are responsible for their own relationships. You cannot force them to have a good one. And the more you try to, the worse the situation will become.
This is so important that it is worth repeating: you cannot control how your adult children are going to relate to each other, and your attempts to do so will make things worse.
What NOT to Do When Your Adult Children Are in Conflict
Don’t control them.
As we stated above, don’t try to control their relationship. Don’t try to engineer the outcome. They are going to make their own decisions about who to let into their life and who not. You don’t want to add resentment of you to their family grievances.
Don’t tell them what to do.
This doesn’t mean there is no way you can offer help; you can. But making suggestions or offering support is very different from making demands and telling them what they have to/must/should do. Make it clear that you respect their autonomy, even if you don’t like their choices.
Don’t play middleman.
Don’t try to broker negotiations between your siblings (unless they have both asked you to do so). Don’t mediate by carrying messages between them because they refuse to relay them directly to each other. If one of your children wants to know about the other’s plan, they can communicate directly with their sibling, not through you; it only drags you into the mess to try to play this role.
One exception to this is where you are directly impacted by their choices. If Billy and Lily won’t show up to Thanksgiving together at your house but won’t discuss between them who will come when, then you can step in to arrange things so that you don’t end up with a lot of turkey and no children eating it. But that is for your own sake and not theirs.
Don’t take sides.
Unless one of your children is crossing a clear line – stealing from a sibling, being violent, involved in an addiction, etc. – it is best to offer support to all sides and avoid adopting a bias in one direction. Not only will that further exacerbate the sibling relationship, it will harm the relationship between you and the one you are trying, however helpfully, to urge into repentance or reform.
Likewise, don’t play favorites. If you give gifts to Jim’s kids, you should plan to give equivalent gifts to Tim’s kids. If you allow Nina to borrow your car, you should probably allow Gina to do so as well. (Of course, if Gina has a habit of DUIs, you certainly have good reason not to lend them the car; but if overall you favor one child over the other, then you can expect there to be a good deal of sibling rivalry.)
That said, don’t get sucked into arguments about how you always liked Nina better anyway. If you have your own trouble with one of your adult children, getting professional help with that, independent of the issue between them and their sibling(s), is advisable.
What You Can Do When Your Adult Children Hate Each Other?
As noted, there are a few things you can try that may yet be helpful.
Gently suggest family therapy
Again, the forceful approach is unlikely to work (unless perhaps you belong, for example, to a traditional Asian family where the parents’ word is law and that’s that). But offering it as an idea may be accepted if you have a good relationship with your kids.
You can go even further by doing some research to find a therapist and present a few options to make it that much easier for them. And, of course, offering to pay will likely go a long way.
If they are hesitant, you can suggest they reach out individually to any of the therapists you’ve found (or any they can find on their own) and just chat with the therapist to see what they think. Many therapists offer a free consultation, and that can go a long way towards helping people see that it won’t be as bad as they think!
Remember not to pressure or nag them (or “subtly” ask every time you speak to one of them if they’ve made any progress on choosing a therapist). Make an offer, not a demand.
Make a heartfelt request
Sometimes it can help to ask your children to consider working on their relationship for your sake. It’s important here to avoid using guilt as a tactic – that will only make your own relationship with your child worse. This is about love and connection, not guilt.
The point is not to guilt or pressure them into anything, but to appeal to them out of their love for you to do something that would mean a lot to you. (Of course, if your own relationship with one of both of them is not in good shape, this is unlikely to be a viable approach.)
You don’t have to wait until you’re on your deathbed to give this a try (although frankly being on your deathbed makes for a pretty compelling request). Just be honest about how it pains you to see them at odds and it would mean a lot to you if they would do their best to at least get to a place of civil interaction, if not actual affection.
You can try this once, maybe twice. If they refuse the request, harping on it will indeed come across as guilting and again will just make things worse.
Take Care of Yourself Too
Inevitably you will have to deal of the fallout of the sibling conflict. If Ben asks to visit you the beach house on July 4th weekend, and a few days later Jen asks for the same privilege, you can let her know that Ben is already coming and she is welcome to come – or not. But don’t get involved in trying to manage the problems caused by their unwillingness to make it work together. You’ll wear yourself out and just kick the can down the road until the next problem pops up.
It’s not a bad idea to see an individual or family therapist yourself – this is a very difficult and emotional position to be in. It makes sense to need some extra guidance and support.
Remember, at the end of the day, the outcome here isn’t in your control. One of the hardest parts of parenting is learning to let go. The only peace you will have with all the adult sibling fights in your family is when you back out and let them sort it out themselves, while still offering each of your children the love they deserve from you.
If you’re dealing with conflict between your adult children, we feel for you. If we can be of any help, please reach out to us!
