In a recent post, we discussed what kind of age difference is reasonable in a relationship. Couples who are in such a relationship (or thinking of entering into one) where there is a significant age gap often want to know if there is some kind of problem with that or if they are doomed to failure.

The good news is that age-gap couples can be very successful and enduring – provided that they effectively navigate the various challenges that come with the territory. These include:

• social & familial judgment
• balancing different life stages
• questions around having kids
• sexual issues

Research shows that when handled well, couples who have a significant age difference can have satisfying relationships. The key is to be aware of the potential issues so as not to be taken by surprise and to be able to discuss them with each other.

Let’s take a look at these concerns and see what issues you may want to consider and address.

Get help for your relationship

#1 – Social & Familial Judgment

Let’s be honest: you’re likely to face a lot of judgment from others when you’re in a relationship with an age gap. People have all kinds of preconceived notions when it comes to such couples and all kinds of labels that tend to be unflattering – cradle robber, sugar daddy, cougar, etc.

We’re already proceeding here on the assumption that your relationship is real, not just convenient financially, sexually, or otherwise. How do you deal with this kind of judgment?

Communication is Key

First of all, open communication between you and your partner is critical to deal with this and all the other challenges coming your way. Being able to share your frustration, pain, embarrassment, and any other feelings you have about what you’re going through will make it far easier to deal with. Conversely, if you don’t have the skills to communicate effectively, you are likely to find yourself in fights about these challenges.

Just sharing your feelings without judging each other or trying to fix or minimize the problem will help you survive the judgment you may be facing; feeling like a team makes you feel stronger and better able to handle it.

It is also helpful if you can articulate to yourself why this relationship makes sense for you. If you’re just going by feelings of attraction, infatuation, or even love, you’re on much shakier ground than if you have a rational explanation for yourself why you want to be with this person. You also want to be able to recognize and acknowledge other people’s criticisms and have answers to them that you are comfortable with.

(Note that I said you should “articulate to yourself” your reasoning; other people may just want to judge and criticize without having the slightest interest in your point of view. On the other hand, perhaps there are people close to you who are genuinely concerned for you; those people might be open to hearing how you’ve thought the situation through.)

Learn how to communicate properly

Love Yourself

It’s also a good idea to shore up your own self-esteem. If you aren’t very confident in yourself then the judgments of others will hit much harder. This is true not only about this particular relationship but more globally as well. You may be perfectly sure about this relationship in your life, but feel self-doubt around in other areas that can make it hard to feel okay about it.

Parental disapproval can be especially painful if you aren’t secure in your own self and decisions. Doing some individual work on self-esteem can make it easier to weather the judgment you encounter.

#2 – Balancing Different Life Stages

Another challenge of a relationship in which there is a large age gap is the discrepancy in the stages of life each partner is in. Partners that are within a few years of each other are likely to be more aligned in terms of where they’re at in life.

When both parties are still in school, launching their career, dealing with aging parents, or retiring, there is a shared experience that breeds connection.

By contrast, if one partner is looking to go out partying and the other is ready to settle down and start a family, or if one partner is in the thick of their work life and the other one is retiring, it is harder (though not impossible, of course) to relate to each other and harder to build a shared life.

It’s important to put some thought into this rather than just letting things roll as they do. (In the PREP approach to couples counselling they call this “decide, don’t slide” – according to this idea, many, if not most, relationship problems come about because people let things just happen rather than making an intentional decision about it.)

Is the difference in your life stages going to be workable for you? For example, will you be willing and able to financially support a younger partner who is still in school or an older partner who is leaving the workforce but perhaps doesn’t have enough to live comfortably?

Are you willing to be a caregiver for an older partner who is going to face old age while you are likely to still be relatively healthy?

None of these questions are fatal to a relationship, but it’s critical to think them through and discuss them rather than assuming it will all work out by itself.

Talk to our experts

#3 – Questions Around Having Children

The question of having kids can be significant in an age-gap relationship. In relationships where the woman is older, the ticking of the biological clock can put some pressure on this issue. She might be feeling increasing urgency to have children before she can no longer do so at a time when her younger partner simply isn’t ready for that.

Another potential challenge is that, well, raising kids is exhausting! It’s exhausting when you’re in your 20s and 30s; in your 40, 50s, and beyond, all the more so. Consider what it’s going to be like trying to chase after a toddler when bending over is a painful chore or simply not possible!

Consider also what it’s like to have a partner whose age and physical condition mean that it’s likely that the physical burden of childrearing will fall on you. It’s doable, of course, but it’s wise to be aware of this issue and accept the reality of it rather than run into it unawares and then deal with the resentment over it on top!

Changing Plans

Another common issue the age-gap couples around kids is that often they will agree they don’t even want any; perhaps the older partner already has children (perhaps grown) from a previous relationship and has a “been there, done that” attitude about having any more.

And then what happens is the younger partner changes their mind. It’s not malicious or devious in any way; it’s just that for many people, especially women, the biological instinct to have children can get stronger over time, particularly as they approach the end of their childbearing years.

So they start off truly believing they aren’t interested in having children, and then as they move through their 30s into their 40s, the urge to procreate unexpectedly wakes up with ferociousness.

This can create tremendous tension and resentment either within the partner (again, usually the woman) who is trying to shut down a powerful, instinctual need, or on the part of the other partner, who can feel duped and angry – “this is not what I signed up for!” Nobody likes it when the terms of an agreement are changed on them.

Being prepared for this possibility is important. Regardless of how you both feel now about children, what will you do if that changes in the future? It will still be a difficult question to resolve, but it will be far less of a shock to the relationship if you’ve discussed the scenario together beforehand.

Get tailored guidance for your situation

#4 – Sexual Issues

This may be the most obvious area for potential age-gap relationship problems. One partner is young, the other partner less so; how does that affect their sex life?

Well, the truth is that it might not affect it at all. People can enjoy a vibrant sex life well into their older years, and for some couples, this never become an issue at all. (Others, of course, face sexual issues that have nothing to do with their ages.)

However, there are certainly some age-related problems that can come up that (sorry to beat a dead horse!) are worth thinking through and communicating about. It is probably not news to you that men can face erectile problems as they age and that they may want/need Viagra (or similar) to be able to perform sexually.

For older couples, this tends to be taken as “just the way it is,” but for a younger partner with an older man, it’s possible for the younger partner to feel annoyed or burdened by the situation or, worse, like something is wrong with them for not being able to turn on their partner.

Note that women can also face physiological issues as they age, and there are medications for that as well. Additionally, women, more so than men, can experience significant changes in their sex drive as they hit menopause. That can be helpful to a couple’s sex life but also cause some trouble in it.

And then there is the simple issue of bodies aging: it’s much easier for a 50-year-old to be excited by a 30-year-old body than vice versa. Again, this is one of those things that’s easy to wave off as no big deal before you get there.

But then, once a younger partner is faced with the reality of their significant other’s body getting lumpier, wrinklier, and squishier, they might find it’s not as trivial to them as they had expected.

Learn how to deal with sexual issues

The Bottom Line: Dealing With an Age Difference

The bottom line in all this, as you may have picked up from this post, comes down to two things:

1. 1. 1. Anticipate the specific problems that might arise in a couple with partners of significantly different ages.
      2. Talk about them together.

If you go into a relationship like this thinking that “love conquers all” or that you’ll cross that bridge when you get there, you are setting yourself up for failure or, at the very least, extra hardship.

Instead, it is wise to think about all the potential issues you might face as a couple with a large age gap, consider how you will feel in those situations, and discuss both your feelings about them and possible approaches to dealing with them.

That doesn’t mean you need a hard-and-fast solution to every potential challenge you’ll face. In fact, as we mentioned, how you feel about any of these challenges may at any rate be different in the future.

The key, however, is that you’ve thought and talked about them already. Being prepared will serve you much better than being surprised.

Talk to a couples counselor

We Can Help

If you need help thinking down the road about the potential problems or hashing them out together or are already facing such problems and need help dealing with them, seek a couples counselor who can guide you. It would be wise to ask them how they feel about age-gap relationships to make sure they won’t judge you for your choices (as many people – even therapists – certainly do).

Your relationship is your relationship, and your choices are your choices. A good couples counselor is one who will help you live these out as best you can.

An age-gap relationship can work for you – as long as you work on it.